“The shopping malls were decked out and cheery holiday music blared from every speaker,” wrote the daughter of a hospice patient who died two days before Thanksgiving. “For everyone else, it’s holiday-as-usual. Don’t they know my heart’s been ripped in two?”
Experiencing grief is difficult at any time of year. But for those facing festive holiday celebrations after the loss of a loved one, the season can be especially lonely and difficult to get through.
Nancy Miller and Kathy Clark know that too well. Last December, Nancy’s 34-year-old son Eric Miller died eight short months after his Melanoma diagnosis. Kathy’s mother, Evelyn Packer, died in October 2010, four years after Kathy lost her husband Bill.
- Kathy Clark (right) begins a counseling session with Carolyn Fortenberry, MSW, LCSW, Samaritan Center for Grief Support Bereavement Counselor. Kathy’s mother died in October 2010, four years after her husband, Bill. Carolyn has given Nancy helpful tips on how to cope with being alone at the holidays.
Samaritan’s hospice care team supported Eric, Evelyn and Bill during their last months and continued to support Nancy and Kathy after each painful loss.
“It was hard,” said Nancy. “Eric lived with me and worked full-time in the same office so there was no escaping his absence.” “Even before his death,” she said, “Samaritan Bereavement Counselor Kathy Kehoe, MSSW, LCSW, visited and talked with him. She was there the morning after to console me. The Samaritan team saved my life.”
Taking the Hardest Step - Nancy Miller (pictured) attended the Bereaved Parents workshop, co-facilitated by Bereavement Counselor Kathy Kehoe and Poetry Therapist Alyssa Cummings, that helped grieving parents use poetry to express their feelings. One assignment was to pick lines from a poem that meant something to the writer and expand on it. Nancy’s poem expressed both her pain and her hopeful will to go on. Read poem below.
Nancy and Kathy both coped with a range of emotions as the world around them prepared to celebrate December holidays. “The shock at how quickly Eric’s disease progressed gave way to numbness,” said Nancy. She continued to see Kathy Kehoe in individual counseling sessions and then, in June 2010, took part in a Bereaved Parents support group. This group, open to the public, is just one of the “grief-specific” groups offered by Samaritan throughout the year that is funded entirely through donations.
Kathy also has found both individual sessions with Samaritan Bereavement Counselor Carolyn Fortenberry and grief support groups helpful. Following Bill’s death, she enrolled in a grief group called Grieving the Love of Your Life. “With the facilitator’s guidance,” said Kathy, “We helped each other, supported and talked with each other. It definitely made things better, knowing someone else was going through the same thing.”
Nancy agreed, “It was comforting to know that everyone around that table shared the same kind of loss as me. I appreciate the support of my parents and friends, but this group had a special bond. They just knew, they understood, because they had lived the loss of a child.”
Kathy’s support group stayed in touch and it was a friend from that group who encouraged her to resume counseling sessions after her mother’s passing. “I was having anxiety, heart palpitations, stomach ailments. My friend said, ‘You can continue to go to the ER, or you can deal with the real cause of your illness.’”
Both women have taken practical tips from their counseling and support groups. Nancy said, “My counselor taught me it’s OK to grieve – that there’s no time limit when I should ‘get over it’ but that I should work toward not ‘doing death’ 24/7. I now try to limit my crying to 5 to 10 minutes at a time and find it helpful to write down what I’m feeling.”
Kathy said, “I’m still working on finding joy. I try to celebrate Bill’s and my mom’s life. My ‘homework’ from Carolyn has included going out to dinner once a week at a favorite restaurant where the staff knows me so I’m not always alone.”
Kathy, who had always travelled with Bill, her mother and cousin on each holiday, will continue the tradition with her cousin. “It’s easier for me to cope with the holidays when I have someplace to go,” she said.
“The hardest step,” said Nancy, “ is forcing yourself to come into the Center for Grief Support because you know why you’re there and it hurts. But no-one should go through their grief alone.”
COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS Free Support Group:
In Marlton:
November 1 at 6 p.m.
December 6 at 6 p.m.
In West Deptford:
November 3 at 12 p.m.
November 8 at 12 p.m.
In Cinnaminson:
November 1 at 12 p.m.
Pre-registration is required to attend. For other free support groups or to register, please call (800) 596-8550.
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Nancy’s poem expressed both her pain and her hopeful will to go on:
To love life,
To love life even when you have no stomach for it.
What an incredible thing to ask.
If you were here, this would not be a problem.
Luckily I have friends that keep me going
— And when I’m not loving life
They understand and try very hard to bring me back.
Everyone misses you
So I’m not alone in my thoughts
And I will try hard to love and live each day for you.
Pre-registration is required at 856-596-8550.
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